Fire

You lit a fire in my heart

I had felt things that I’ve never felt before

You made me feel free

Then you left me

with a burning heart

It took all of me to try and put out the roaring fire

I gave it my all

but my all wasn’t enough

Just when I gave up hope,

you came back

with a fire extinguisher

You put out the fire

You fired chemicals into my heart that I’ve never seen before

You said it would save me

but you lied like you always do

and you left me again

this time, your damage was worse

Those chemicals seeped into the walls of my heart

Prohibiting it from opening up to anyone else

Now I’m stuck

Not able to love again

But you don’t care

You just left

And now I’m alone

My fire has been extinguished

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Puzzle

You left her broken

When you fled,

She had to pick up the pieces of her heart ‘

from off of the ground

She kept trying to put the pieces back together

but she couldn’t without you

She felt alone

trapped

afraid

Until she realized

She always knew how to put her heart back together

she didn’t need you

Fire

I would like to start off by saying sorry, my mind was going all over the place today, and this is what I came up with.  Feel free to criticize.  Thanks.

The wallpaper drips all the way down the wall and to the floor

Making a puddle of roses bloom from the floor boards

And that picture you painted of a wine glass fell and shattered near the door

Now I’m trapped in this burning room all alone

The only thing to keep me company is the burning clock

Reminding me of the little time I have left

I look out the window and all I see is the promise that you made me long ago

The promise of forever

Fleeting away as I burn in the fire

The fire that you started with your lies and your empty promises

So while I burn in this fire alone

The only thing I have to keep me occupied is that rusty bottle opener that kept me company when you wouldn’t

The only bad thing about rust is that it infects a wound

Making it worse

Reminding me of the pain that you caused me to drink away

So I take ahold of that bottle opener, and I throw it into the fire

And in front of me, I see an explosion

And the fire rushes towards me

Consuming me

Killing me

D.F.S

I miss my grandpa.  On the 29th, it will be the one year anniversary of his passing.  I don’t think I can emotionally handle that day.  When he died, I was in the children’s psychiatric ward of the hospital because I overdosed on pain killers.  I wasn’t there for him.  The last time J saw him, I didn’t give him a kiss goodbye because he was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him up.  That was my last chance to say goodbye, and I missed it.  Everyday, I wish I could do that day over again.  I wish I would’ve grown a pair and went over to kiss him on his cheek.  I would do anything to have him back.  He was so innocent, and so good.  Why did he have to suffer so much?  For years, I had to watch him die a little bit everyday with his Alzheimer’s.  The worst part is, I’m the youngest grandchild, so I wasn’t there to remember when he was healthy.  It sucks so much.  Every part of it sucks.  And I know I sound selfish my wanting more time with him, but I miss him so much.  I don’t think I can get through Sunday.   

The other bad  part about this week is that I have to deliver a eulogy in my speech class.  And the eulogy is for my grandpa.  Everything that I wish I could’ve said at his funeral but couldn’t.  I just hope I can keep my composure.  

Life is short, live it while you can.  

#MeToo

School

Work

Around town

I have been a victim of sexual harassment since I was in middle school.  Ever since then, I’ve been sexually harassed by peers, co workers, my boss, and even people I don’t know. When people sexually harass me, I no longer feel like a person.  I feel like an object.  An object that people think doesn’t have feelings.  An object that people say anything they want about.

I am not an object.

I am a person.

I am a person who has feelings.  So yeah, when you say I have a nice wrack, or that you’d “tap that”, I don’t see it as a compliment.  I see it as my personality not mattering.  When people say those things to me, the value I have for myself goes down.  Pretty soon, I am only going to be the girl with the nice ass, or the girl people would sleep with.

Sexual harassment is wrong, it hurts, so why does it continue?  Sexual harassment continues because people brush it off and say “boys will be boys” or “it’s a compliment, don’t get so offended”.  Our society has thousands of excuses for sexual harassment, and it needs to end.

I know my story isn’t as awful or horrific as other’s stories, but it is still a story.  It is still another person standing up and voicing their experience in hopes that there will be action taken to try and stop sexual harassment.  I also stand up for those who are afraid to stand up.  I stand for no more sexual harassment or sexual assault.

 

Split

There is a voice inside of my head that tells me to stop.  It tells me that it isn’t worth the pain that I’m going to endure.

But there is another voice in my head telling me that I can’t give up.  I have to do this.

If I listen to the first voice, I hurt.

If I listen to the second voice, I hurt.

Then there is this feeling in my heart that moves me to try and start new.

But there is this feeling in my head that rationalizes and tells me that I am safe where I am.

The disagreement between my heart and my head turns into a war, and my emotions become like waves of the ocean.  Calm one moment, and crazy the next.

My hands shake with eagerness to do great things.

But my feet are firmly planted in the ground that they know.

I’m being pulled in two different directions, and I can’t tell you which one is better for me.

I have ties in the past, but hope in the future.

My body is tired.

Tired of the confusion.

Tired of the pain.

Tired.

How do I decide what is right for me if the voices inside my own head can’t even agree?

How do I drown out the noise?

How do I focus on my soul when every other part of my body is outshining it?

Where are you when I need you the most?

That’s right, you’re the one my body is tearing itself apart over.

This Week Sucks

This week has been hard.  Not because of school, but because my brain just doesn’t want to think.  This weekend, I found out that one of my best friends got taken advantage of while she was intoxicated, even though she said no multiple times, this guy has been leading me on and broke it off after we hooked up and friend zoned me, and I just feel like everything is out of control.  Normally, I am a control freak, so not having any control is really not working out for me.  On Tuesday, I slept through my 9:30 class, woke up at 4, and was late to my 4:00 class because I thought for some reason that it started at 4:30.  Today, I told myself I would wake up at 10:30 and go search for a job, but I turned off my alarm and woke up at 12:15.  When I try to focus on homework, I can’t, even when I’m in the library.  I just can’t bring myself to do anything, and I don’t know why.  So far, I’m doing well in school, I have straight A’s, but I just can’t get myself out of this stupid funk, and I don’t know why.  I need a distraction, I need to go out and take photos, but I can’t get myself motivated enough to go find a cool spot to photograph.  I have no motivation.  Today, I am just desperate to feel anything other than stuck, but I don’t think that will work.

On another note, I’ve come to the conclusion that all guys suck because they just like to mess with girls and pretend to be interested just to turn around and fuck them over because they can.  I hate guys.  I hate that they want to mess with girls emotions just for their pleasure.  I hate this.

Any suggestions to help get me out of this funk are encouraged and appreciated.