Decisions, decisions…

I’ve had the sudden urge to travel the world.  

I want to go to Germany, Greece, Ireland, and Spain.  So, I guess it’s not the whole world, I guess I want to travel Europe.  I want to go on my own with my camera, the money in my bank account, and a backpack on my back.  But there is this thing called college that I kind of signed up to go to, so I’m at a fork in the road.  

I know from the bottom of my heart that education is important, but I also know that life experiences are just as important.  By this point, I know most of you are thinking she should just travel after college.  That is a good point, but I’m only going to have so much money after college.  I will also be drowning in debt, and I won’t allow myself to make big purchases until that debt is paid off.  

Part of me wants to go to college for a year, and after that year, if I still want to travel, I will go.  I can start my education, and then come back and take community college classes.  

Or, I go to college for four years, pay off my debt, put off getting a job, travel the world, come back, get a job in an impossible job market, and then settle down.  

It is all up in the air right now.  I need help.  I need opinions.  I need to figure out what to do with my life.

The decisions of a teenager 

When most people turn 18, they want to be free.  They don’t want their parents to micromanage their lives, and they want to make their own decisions.  The only problem is, they still live with their parents.  They are under their roof, under their rules, and sometimes, under their thumb.  Speaking from experience, I’ve let my anger towards my parents rules influence my decisions.  I’ve done things basically to say “Fuck you” to my parents.  We all have.  We rebel against our parents to show then that we are old enough to make our own decisions.  The logic behind this is flawed.  You’re acting out because of your parents.  You’re making a decision because you know your parents won’t like it.  You’re making a decision that you might not want to make just to upset your family.  You’re making a decision influenced by others, you’re not making your own decision.  If you truly want to make your own decisions, start by taking away the anger and resentment behind the decision, and just go something for you.  

Be like the moon

We seek perfection 

Perfect hair 

Perfect skin 

Perfect body 

We strive for perfection 

We long to look like the models in magazines 

We shame ourselves for not being perfect 

We punish ourselves for not being perfect 

One less meal 

One more work out 

One less dress size 

One more pound 

We seek perfection forgetting that beauty isn’t perfection 

The moon is beautiful 

The moon is gazed upon by thousands for its beauty 

Even though it has imperfections

Cracks, craters, and defects 

People still love the moon 

Don’t strive for perfection

It doesn’t exist 

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes 

Be more like the moon, imperfect 

Fisherman’s Daughter

Generic apology, it’s not the best.  Feel free to critique and change what you think is bad about it.  I realized that I do my best writing when I type, so I whipped out my computer and bam, no more writers block.  Again, sorry, it is not good.  This is a rough, rough, rough draft.

It was like Monet’s water lily painting had come to life right in front of me.  I didn’t want to disturb the peaceful look of the lake by putting a boat in the water.  While my father got the boat ready, I took a mental picture of the beautiful scene in front of me.

“Cindy, will you give me a hand with the tackle box?” my father asked me, disturbing my relaxing inhale of the earthy smells around me.

“Coming dad,” I replied, skipping back to the car.

We gathered all of the essentials for when we were out on the water, and packed them into the tiny boat.  I had never gone fishing before, but I was excited to learn from the best.  Before getting out on the water, I thought of all of the crazy stories my dad relayed back to me about his fishing experiences.  My excitement continued to build up, and I couldn’t wait to get in the water.

“Wait just a minute,” I heard my father say before I stepped into the boat, “you are missing something,” he said while holding up the ugly orange life vest I was required to wear.  My posture said it all as I slowly trudged back to put on the pointless life vest.  I knew how to swim, so what was the big deal?

After putting on the life vest, it was finally time to embrace the open water.  As I stepped into the boat, I felt the surface under me move, and it took me a second to get used to it.

“You haven’t gotten your lake legs yet,” my dad said laughing at me.

“Isn’t it sea legs?” I asked trying to gain my balance.

“Are we on the sea?” he replied.

“Point taken,” I said sitting down in the front of the boat.

Sos 

Do you ever have an amazing idea for a story, and have it all thought out, but don’t know how to start it?  Well, that’s my dilemma right now.  I’ve written the intro sentence like 20 times, and I still can’t get it right.  I’ve thought about starting in a different place, but that hasn’t worked either.  This is a story I really want to write, but I have major writers block on how to start it!  This sucks because I feel like a shitty writer when I have writers block…

Any suggestions?

Life Update

Well, it feels like it has been a while since I’ve blogged, so I’ll give you all a life update.  So, first off, my medicine has been bumped up to 40mg.  Good news is, it’s working!  For the first time in 3 years, I’m not living in a dark hole.  My parents have even told me that they see joy back in my life.  My relationship with my parents is also a lot better.  I am now a waitress at Espino’s, and I’m doing really well.  I love working there, and I make good money because I’m a likable person apparently.  Another good thing is that I’m finally over my ex (I know, it took me long enough…).  Also, I think I know where I’m going to college.  J was accepted into UK, got a pretty nice scholarship from UK, fell in love with UK, but figured out if I go to UK, I would end up with $93,000 in debt.  So I’m not going to UK.  Not worth the debt.  So instead, I will go to SEMO!  Where my debt will be about $20,000…much more manageable!  In other news, today (well, yesterday…it is 12:17am) was my 18th birthday, and the first thing I did was go get a tattoo.  I am absolutely in love with it!  I got it on my left wrist, and it symbolizes “God is greater than the highs and lows”.  I’ve been staring at it all day, and it makes me so happy.  I feel as though things are going really well for the first time in a long time!  

As a side note, I do miss our creative writing class.  It was bomb, and I miss all of the wonderful people in it, and I even miss Mr. Durham’s somewhat funny jokes 😉. 

Goodnight all, I hope to write to you again some time soon.  

I hate girl scout cookies…

I hate girl scout cookies.  I have no self control when it comes to them.  They only come around once a year, and they seem to get better every year.  I feel as though girl scout cookies are sent out in March to kill off the last few people who are sticking to their new year’s diets (aka me).  

They just came out with a s’mores flavor, and that is my new kryptonite.  

I have a new theory that girl scout cookies are laced with something to make you addicted.  The worst part it, because you’re addicted, you can’t go without them, therefore, they can raise the price, and people will still buy them.  Also, who can say no to an adorable 1St grader.  

So yeah, I hate girl scout cookies became they are so good.  

Send help, I think I’ve finished two boxes already. 

R.I.P my new year’s diet. 

Annie

Annie and I became close after my breakup.

At first, she would come around once a week to keep me company.

When she was over, she made me feel good about myself, the way he used to. 

I thought once a week was enough time with Annie, but the six other days of the week stared to get harder and harder.  

I became more dependant on Annie.  

Slowly our days together happened more often.  

In the dark shadows of my bathroom, Annie would be there to comfort me when I felt the most self conscious.

Soon, Annie and I were together everyday.  

She made me feel like I was under control of at least one thing in my life. 

She made me feel good about myself. 

While I felt the sweet pain of her presence, I thought about how she made me feel better about my body.

Annie was saving me, and killing me all at the same time. 

You see, Annie is just her nickname.

The Author

She is strong in every aspect of her life

Except in the quiet of her room, where she is left alone with her thoughts

She writes all of her thoughts down

She is the author of her story

She drags the pen across her canvas

Slowly

Then quickly

So many thoughts,

So many pen strokes

In her writing

She gets out her anger

Her frustration

Her insecurities

Her racing thoughts

She puts it all on the canvas for the world to see

She puts it on display in bright red ink

She writes poems of sorrow

Sonnets of love

Novels of loss

Her pen is her best friend, but her worst enemy

The pen she holds in her right hand is a razor

The canvas sitting in front of her is her skin

Sometimes it is easier to deal with physical pain rather than emotional pain